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Axl's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2006-06-21 09:39
Subject:General random update
Mood: pleased

well well havent written in here in quite sometime. My life still isnt too intruiging. I finally got some time off from work, so I actually have a minute to catch up on some stuff.

Well Florida has gotten a little bit better. Its not home, but it'll do for now. I've working at the ESPN Club for about 6 months now, its stressful but I like it. I'm on medical leave right now because I just got a tummy tuck which I am super excited about. Ive been waiting for this for ohhh two years now. After months of working out and watch Dr. 90210 I decided I had to make the executive decision to get rid of the excess skin caused by my pregnancy. So, I went ahead and did that on the 16th of July. I still havent seen my new tummy, but I am very anxious.

Miss Cassidy is doing good as well. She is almost two, can you beleive that? It seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant and thought my life was over. Needless to say its not, and has only gotten better depsite all the trials and tribulations I have faced at such a young age. But she is awesome and just a joy to have around.

I finally met a decent guy. He is awesome, his name is Danny and I seriously have never been treated with so much repsect from a guy before. He really cares about me and Cassidy. We;ve only been together for a short while so we'll see what happens, hes just such a doll. He's been there for me during my tummy tuck and has taken such good care of me.

I lost both of my grandparents in the past 6 weeks which was kind of rough, but I guess that is life. I went to my first funeral, but it was good to be with all my family.

So thats my life. Im just recovering right now. I got two tubes sticking out of my crotch and Im wearing a corset and in the meantime am doped up on Darvocet and Valium. I have to say I am actually relatively happy right now with the way my life is going. Which is hasnt been this way in quite some time. Its a good feeling. But to quote Kanye West "It all falls down", Im just hoping I can be happy for a little bit longer than usual.

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(4 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-10-28 12:21
Subject:A time to Remember
Mood: thankful

So I have moved back to Florida, I am in Orlando and I want to go back to Missouri so bad. I miss it there. Its funny thats the way I feel about it now. I was taking a gander back at old entries, and this is a direct quote:

"Today I am leaving to go back to hell, otherwise known as Missouri. I have dreaded this day since the day I first moved. I dont want to leave. I hate it there." --Leigh Honeycutt Aug. 7th 2002

Times have changed. Thats for damn sure. I hated it at first, but I was going through my "awkward teenage stage" where I hated everything and basically I was just plain retarted, I see that now looking back at old entries and how big of a hypocrite I was. Like, all i did was complain about how people looked at me differnt and judged me, and the whole time I was doing it to them. And those people "took me under there wing" and became my friends.

and now I miss it more then anything. Like, i mean even though I only lived there 3 years, it was the most eventful (to say the least) three years of my life. i came into my own there. i found my first "love" there. I had my baby there. I started college there.

And now i have to start from scratch. I hate this place, and hopefully it will change, and Im sure it will. It just takes time I suppose.

i found another interesting qoute in my journal.

November 7th 2003:
"I got the worst fucking present that anyone could possibly imagine. I wish I could just return it. But there is no turning back. I have to keep it forever.

And now my life is offically fucked up."

If no one picked up on that. That was the day, my 17th birthday, that I found out I was pregnant. What I thought was the ultimate fuck up, turned out to be the pride and joy of my life, and what had infact turned my life around.

I was on the wrong path. i had dropped out of school, lost my friends and family, I was in a terrible, abusive relationship...mylife was just one big fuckup after another. Fortunatly, what would appear as the "Icing on the cake" only was the best thing that ever happened to me.

She turned my life around. How could a little thing, no bigger than the size of a grape have such an impact on my life? I started straightning out. I got back in school. i graudated. I got my fmaily's love and trust back. I made new friends. I got that jackass out of my life (which took some time and is still an everyday struggle), i started college. i became a mother.

A million things I had accomplished because of her. And I couldnt thank her enough.

Cassidy is 15 months old now. She is the light of my life. And sure sometimes I wish I could be living the carefree lifestyle of your average 18 year old, but i wouldnt trade her for anything in the world.

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This is me now

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(9 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-05-26 10:42

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Here is my widdle girl.

(3 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-05-14 11:13
Subject:It's been a while
Mood: excited

Miss Cassidy!
Lilypie Baby Ticker

Well, it's been a while but I am finally ot of school so I have a little extra time. Well like I said, I am out of school, one year down only three more to go! Now, i actually have time to spend with my daughter, Cassidy. She is almost a year old which is so hard to believe. She's a handful, but I love her! On a postiive note, my dad has accepted a job as the General Manager at Dixie Stampede in...orlando!!!! Yay! I am moving back to Florida! I am so excited. I can't wait. No telling when it will happen though. My dad is moving down in a few weeks, but as for the rest of us it all depends on when our house sells. Which could take years :(

Well I think my little angel is waking up from her nappy, so i better bounce. <3

(3 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-03-20 21:33

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(7 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-03-20 21:21

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Date:2005-01-12 12:29
Subject:It's been the worst day since yesterday.
Mood: nostalgic

Man, I was taking a gander back at my old entries and i realized how cool i used to be. For real, the way i talked and acted was tight. And now Im just boring old Leigh who only talks about her baby. Bah. I want to be stupid and sporadic and talk like a goofy young chap. But alas, I talk and/or act like a soccer mom. I want to be silly and selfish and goofy. But noooo. I'm a "mother" now. I have to be mature and responsible and walk around like I got a corncob up my butt. I dont want to hang out with my other "teen mom" friends and just talk about our babies. I want to talk about music, random stupid things that dont matter and perhpas engage in a bit og intellectual conversation. I do, i really really do. I want to "hang-out" without a baby on my hip. And I know this is the path I chose, but I want to be me again. I want to be Leigh pre-baby, pre-Blake I want to be Leigh back when I was sublimely happy and had little crushes and was sweet and innocent. But now I am bitter and hostile and impure, and my shoulder is lodged with a permanent chip on it. Grrr. Damn that bastard for stealing my innocense from me! I want to go back to my junior year when everything was so simple. When I hadnt expereinced love and heartbreak and sex and childbearing.

But I cant go back in time, and i just dont know how to accept that.

(13 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2005-01-10 10:43
Subject:Lying Eyes and alibies.
Mood: crushed

Well, I started my new college and I (so far) really like it. All incoming freshman had to write an essay and I won first place which was pretty cool. especially considering that I wrote it about me and having to deal with teen pregnancy and abortion and depression and all of that stuff. I thought i was going to be ejected from the college immeaditaly for un-Christain like behavior, but alas I won. I got 250 bucks out of it to, so thats pretty cool.

Blake hasnt called or anything in over a week now. I really hate him. He is such a selfish dick. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. His daughter is 6 months old now, and you know how much he has given us? $70 dollars. 70 fucking dollars that I had to beat out of him. And you know how many times he has seen his daughter? Two times. Two fucking times. And I brought her to see him. I drove four hours down and four hours back for him to see his daughter, twice. Two times I did that. He wasnt there for her birth, he missed her first Christmas, he hasnt seen her crawl, he's had no part in her life what so ever. And then he has the nerve to send her a little outfit for Christmas that says "Daddy's Little Girl". What a dick. I am going to send that right back to him with a letter that says fuck you. I hate him, I absolutly hate him. i mean he doesnt do anything else for her, so the least he could do is call more than a few times a month. But he doesnt care though. He doesnt care that i am paying for everything myself. He doesnt care that I'm going to school full-time and working at my school to pay my way so i dont have any money. He doesnt care that I dont have a life because I am too busy raising his child. He doesnt care that his own flesh and blood will never know him. He just doesnt care.

And it makes me what to put a cap in his ass.

(1 heart | give me your heart)

Date:2005-01-01 12:36
Subject:Heres to me
Mood: discontent

Well, I havent updated in like ten years. It's hard to find time to do anything these days, I barely have time to wipe my butt.

Anyways. So, one semester of college down, three and half more to go. It wasnt that bad though. In fact, I sorta liked it! But I am starting at a new college this coming semester, a "real" college if you will, and not a community, which sucks. Especially because it is all religious and stuff, and Im not too sure how they will percieve a unwed, teenage mother, but I guess I really dont care either.

My daughter Cassidy is almost 6 months now, and she is just the light of my life. I love her so much. She is so "spunky"? I dont know how to accuratly describe the little booger, but I love her. She is crawling now, which isnt a good thing at all, espeically because she just loves to put anything in her mouth. Particulary small, hazardous objects.

It's a new year, with new beginnings, but Im kinda in a slump right now. I dont quite have time for a social life, and couldnt really afford one even if I did. I'm ready to "fly the coop", but I havent enough money. And the age-old problems between me and my baby daddy continue to continue. So basically everything sucks right now.

I do get $1200 back on my taxes for having Cassidy though!

(4 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2004-08-23 19:26
Subject:Happy as a clam
Mood: hopeful

Well long time no write...As I take a gander at my last entry I'm amazed by how much my me and my life has changed.

I had my baby July 8. What I thought would be the biggest mistake of my life turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love her so much, she is the prettiest little thing and I dont regret anything for a second. Sure I miss 12 hours of solid sleep at night, thinking of only myself and tight fitting spit-up free clothing, but it's well worth the trade off.

Im starting college tomorrow, im semi weiry...not really excited to be working full time and going to school full time, but you gotta do what you gotta do..even if it means being away from your new born 24/7...

(6 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2004-01-09 19:21
Subject:Aint no nigga like the one I got

Yeh, ain't no nigga like the one I got. Nah, I don't know no one who ever fucked a girl over like he did. I've been too damn stupid, I was so stupid to believe all his bullshit. Now I am pregnant with his baby, no money, no job and Im not going to graduate. All those years of success in school, and for what, to drop out my senior year for some trifelin ass bitch. I hadnt talked to him in like a week, so I finally called him and it turns out he's in Louisiana. Now he's a billion miles away, and didnt have the balls to tell me he was leaving me and his baby.

What the fuck, he wanted this baby. He wanted me. All the bullshit lies: "I'm serious now, its all about you" "I vould never stop loving you" "Promise you wont ever leave me". Yeh, what the fuck ever. Who left who, who fucked who over? How could he just leave with out telling me? It's not fucking fair. All the times I tried to kick him to the curb, he'd always cry and whine and beg me to stay. Damn, I wish I woulda broke up wit him for real the first time I tried, cuz then I wouldnt be in the shit I am in now. I'd be graduating this year, and I wouldnt have a baby on the way. I was so excited about the baby and being a family and gettin married. Cause he made me beleive that that was what he really wanted.

But now, Im facing the reality of how my life is going to be: a string of welfare checks, food stamps, and raising the baby all by myself. Damn, I cant wait. He'd always be all up in my grille sayin "please please dont get an abortion" "oh I wont baby, i love you and the baby"...and begged me to have one, and then he begged me to keep it and now he gone. And everyone was right. My family was right, all my doggs were right. And i was wrong, always defending his ass "ya'll dont know him, he aint gonna leave me, he wants this.." Damn, I am too damn dumb. Every day I wake up hoping to die, everyday I pray for God to put me out of my misery. I dont want to live no more. Im crying all the time, Im so depressed and scared and I dont know what the fuck to do. I aint got no one or nothing. All I got is my fetus, which has the triflein ass genes of that no good sorry mother fucker.

This bitch ruined my life. He took my virginity, he took my money, he took my education from me, he took my fucking life away. And now I aint got shit to show for it, but a fat stomache and some food stamps. And I did it all for "love". There aint no such thang. All he'd do is make weak promises that I guess in the back of my mind I knew was never gonna happen. And when shit didnt happen, I beleived his tired excuses. So, while Im dealing with dirty dipers and doctor bills, he will be out living his life, the way he wonts, without any worries, without any responsibilites. What a great guy right?

Word from the wise: Dont trust no nigga; if they start spittin game while ya'll fuckin sayin "I wont you to have my baby"...stop, dont let him nut in you. If he say he's all yours right before he leaves town to see his baby, he fuckin his baby mama, I promise. If he begs you to give him another chance for cheatin, but then hits you when he think you fuckin around, don't go back, leave. If he talk about marriage, dont beleive him, cuz he gonna leave you wit the rent, the bills and without shit.

Theres lots of way people fuck up there lives, but I promise you this, aint none of yall fucked up your lives nearly as much as I have. Dont be stupid just because some guy with good game be puttin in on you good. He aint no good. If he got another baby, he aint no good. If he dropped out of school, he aint no good. If he got court shit, he aint no good. If he aint got no job, he aint no good.

"You put your trust in a nigga
Stupid hoe how you figure
He wont fuck yo best friend
And your sister
Lie to ya, then screw ya
And get mad if his homeboys do ya"

(4 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-11-07 14:50
Subject:Happy Happy birthday to me
Mood: fucked

Today is my 17th birthday.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

I got the worst fucking present that anyone could possibly imagine. I wish I could just return it. But there is no turning back. I have to keep it forever.

And now my life is offically fucked up.

(2 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-10-25 12:59
Subject:Please Lord, forgive me for i have sinned

Everything keeps getting worse and worse. I've fucked up too damn much, and now its too late to fix anything. My life is fucked up forever. Im so stupid. I cant beleive that I've done all this shit, to myself. I fucked up everything, and its all my fault.

(2 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-10-07 01:45
Subject:Jerry Springer
Mood: contemplative

Everything has been crazier than a mug for like the past few months. I look at all the gay ass entries I've made about how "messed up" my life is, and now all I can do is laugh. That teenage-angst drama aint shit compared to the shit I've managed to put myself through. To make an extremely long ass story short, one night Blake came to see me, got in a wreck, got a bunch of tickets: DWI, wreckless driving, driving under a suspended licsense, leaving the scene, etc...So he had to go back to Arkansas and I didnt see him for the longest, then he finally calls me up, i lie to my parents to drive four hours to go pick him up. Im sneaking him in at night cause he aint got no where else to stay. My supposed "best freind" totally narked me out to my parents and one night they bitched at me for ten years about how im a skank and how sorry I am and shit. And they basically kicked me out, they said stay there and basically be on lockdown or move to Arkansas or wherever with my boyfreind. So i moved out, got my own crib, got a second job and have been living with Blake since then. But my car just broke down and theres no money to fix it so I had to move back in with my parents. And it sucks. Everything sucks really bad right now, and I just dont know what to do. Writing all this ish is making me tres somber.

(4 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-07-03 12:15
Subject:High on Testosterone
Mood: irritated

Man, last night couldnt have gotten any worse. Well first of all, Jay kept calling my phone talking shit to Blake while we were at work. So Jay said he would come up therre and they would fight. It was so ghae, seriously, i just wanted them to stop, but no. So we go out to leave, and Jay and his croanies actually show up and they talk ish for a while and keep making me feel like shit cause their all "which one do you want Leigh, who do you want" and I felt so stank I guess. Then they start to fight, Blake like powerbombed his ass like ten times. Then security came and broke it up. I just wanted them to stop, it was so fucking ghae/pointless.

So after that me and Robbie go to Days inn to kick back with a few brewsky's if you will. I had to be home at 1:30 so we left and he's all "please let me drive ur car", and im all you better drive slow and blah blah blah cause both of us had been hittin the bottle. And, so guess what happens...dun dun dun. we get pulled over by the po po. Not only for speeding, but they claimed we had weed. So they do a nice full strip down of my cor, making me like 57837 years late. Then Jay calls me and is like putting this major guilt trip on me. he was being so gay, like just kept running his mouth about how I've made him a better person and blah blah bullshit. Whatever he's gay.

(2 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-06-04 17:32
Subject:All good in da hood
Mood: happy

Everything is still "going my way" these days. me and Jay are still going "strong" if you will, in fact, I finally got the lad "wrapped around my finger". He's leaving for Cali this saturday for like ten years which really blows, but distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? But, I'll be plenty busy in the mean time, aka Dana is coming down on the 10th and plus I work 24/7. Work is great, Ive met so many cool people. For the first time in my life I am sublimely happy, and Im not being abnoramlly pessimistic like "its all going to fall to shit soon". I dont ever care. Im having the time of my life right now, I dont even want to think about the bad shit that is to come. But for now its all good in da hood and Im living it up Branson-style.

The only bad thing is Trista is moving back to Arizona soon. Im really somber about that. I dont know what I am going to do without her.

(1 heart | give me your heart)

Date:2003-05-13 18:18
Subject:If you in it represent it
Mood: thoughtful

As the school year comes to a "devastating" end, I feel it compulsory to reflect on this era of alteration. Taking a gander at proceeding entries in my journal I realize how stupid and juvinile I was (not to say Im still not). It's really funny how I went from running away and housing suicidal tendancies to being relatively elated and, to say the least, content. This whole year has been a tremendous learning experience, I've aquired more knowledge scholastically, personally, in every aspect really, than I have in my whole entire life.
Last year I thought I "found myself", but I was so far from it. All I found was an abnoramlly artifial persona that was moderately against the archetypal person at WCHS. It was foolish,really, but it set me up for what I was to become I suppose. It makes me somber however; I got in this absurd mindset and ended up aborting one of my first best friends and the whole high school scene, as ridiculous as it may be. It's a shame I did that to such a loyal and considerate friend, but I guess everyone makes mistakes. And because of that gay outlook I had on everyone, I completely missed out on the first few months of my life in Missouri. I was so caught up in the whole "preps are gay...branson is hickville" that I really screwed myself over. Just thinking about how stupid I was makes me want to kick myself right now. Auspiciously, I eventually got over that, and had the best year of my life.
On my first day of school I was, to say the least, appaulled. There was no ethnic diversity, it was nothing but "rich, white, preps". I thought everyone was sneering at me and judging me. I sat the bathroom crying during lunch. In every class hour I would be thinking "if I were in WC right now, things wouldnt be this shitty, etc". But the truth of the matter is, it would be. I kept holding WC in such high reguard, always thinking how wonderful my life was there. But it wasn't.
The day I relaized that was the day my life changed
forever. Florida isnt the best place on earth. The people there are not the greatest people in the world. Infact, the general population were inconsiderate assholes who didnt give a good God damn whether or not you lived or died. I didnt have any friends. When I moved here and was all alone I kept thinking of my "friends" back in Florida. But the truth of the matter is, I didn't have any friends, not "real" friends anyway. And, as pessimistic as it may sound, I don't believe anyone really ever has 'real' friends. People at WCHS treated me abnormally poorly as well. Before I moved, I dreaded the thought of leaving WCHS and the student body behind because they were so "great", but their not. They constantly made fun of me. One of my biggest fears was going to high school without my brother, or perhaps my brother's name. I was afraid, for some reason, of being just another face in the crowd and didnt think I could achieve a name for myself without the help of him. I was always known as Spencer's little sister, and I thought I liked it, but now I realize how ridicuously stupid that was. But, I have proven to myself otherwise. I didnt need his help. Being the person people used to make fun of, I have made a name for myself. And although I don't particulary care for the whole popularity game, I'm it. All those "rich white preps" show me respect. They treat me like an actual human being. I don't worry about what they think about me, I dont even care. I cared in WC for some reason. I am the "big man on campus" now, and it feels good not to be ridiculed by my fellow peers. And now I've done the whole "high school thing". I went to the football games, I go to the parties, I ran for STUCCO, I got a boyfriend, I'm going to the graduation party of the year. And at the same time, I'm still the same person. I didnt change into some abercrombie slut with highlights and a fake tan. I didn't have sex with the quarterback of the football team. I just represented.
In only the nine months I've lived here, I've accomplished so much. It's perposterous to think, yes I am glad I moved here. I could never thank my parents enough. I love it here. I love who I am. I love the people I have met. Even though I dont neccesarily believe in "friends", I know there are people who are here for me when I need them (i.e. Jake and thomas when i ran away). I know Trist has always got my back and would never abort me for her boyfriend. I don't regret anything. Of all the stupid things I've done in my life, and in the past 9 months, I dont regret a damn thing. I believe everything, everything happens for a reason. It took me a while to fathom it, but I know. I understand. But, I still hold it down for the dirty dirty south.

(5 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-04-24 23:14
Subject:Gotta Gotta Gotta Girlfriend
Mood: loved

Man, just got back from being with Jay. Man it was great. I like him so much. Things are finally starting to look up again. School is dragging on, but I am doing well. Me and Trist are at an all time high which is great, i love her so much. And work is going well too. It felt so good getting my first paycheck last week. This next one is going to be moderately large, which means i am closer to owning my very own car, which is definatly a step up from using the ol' family station wagon, aka my dad's grand prix.

But this "high" on life, i am sure will come crashing down soon, its just the way it always is for me. Or maybe its just pms. Who knows, who curs. not me.

(2 hearts | give me your heart)

Date:2003-04-02 19:32
Mood: hopeful

Man, I am so tres excited..a bunch of cool things are coming up (as well as some not so cool things. Well, this weekend Less than Jake and Teen Idols are actually coming to Springfield. I hate Less than Jake, but Teen Idols are cool and this will be the first "real" show ive been to since I moved herre (i saw the Huntingtons at the fucking Nu Brew aka a "youth church"). On top of that, me and Trista start work this weekend as well, finally some cash. Then, next weekend is prom, im not going, but I'll join in the on the post-prom festivities! Then, not even a week after that Im on my way to the Sunshine State! Woo-hoo. But, between all that time i have to take the ACT, finish research paper, Science Fair, MAP test and prep hardcore for the AP English EXAM! Arg. Im too happy to feel overwhelmed though.

(1 heart | give me your heart)

Date:2003-03-22 00:00
Mood: cranky

I hate it how all week it's "i can't wait for the weekend" and then it finally arrives and it sucks. I went out and did the usual, and it wasnt da best this time. I don't think I am going to go out tomorrow night. Maybe during the day, but I feel like i'm everywhere all the time and I dont want to "wear out my welcome?" i dont know. I think I am tired and I am going to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. i think the old crimson wave is knocking at my door, thus i am a bit more "sensitive" and irritable I guess you can say. i am hungy too.

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